Ecstatic dance & fear

On Saturday I danced my first ecstatic dance.

It's been a goal of mine to go and do this for a long time now, maybe even over a year or so I don't remember exactly how long.

To pluck up the courage to pull myself away from my man at the time of the night where he will have probably just poured me a champagne, from the children who don't want you to go out and leave them, to drive twenty minutes in to town, to pay money, to enter a dark room full of strangers and dance for a whole two hours.

I don't know exactly why I wanted to try this, but I do love dancing and have been a well known kitchen dancer for years, but I was pissed, unless it was the odd song to dance with the kids, then back to the chores. The main reason I wanted to try this was because it was pushing me incredibly out of my comfort zone, which somehow, had become more and more constricted and narrow over the past years. 

Poor gut health results in poor mental health

I believe that my gut health has affected how I lived my life.  A lot of things seemed a bit too hard for a long time.  I didn't notice anything wrong with this at the time, and lived what appeared to be a normal full life.  But on reflection, we didn't have friends over as much, we didn't take holidays we just kept a fairly predictable routine which is great when you have children, and maybe some of this is to do with them being older and now both in full time school.

Often, when I did something out of my comfort zone I would become incredibly nauseous.  I didn't feel anxious, I wasn't worried about the situation, but I got nauseous.  The lowest point was booking to go on a Maggie Dent parenting course with Carolyn.  I felt a bit flat and nauseous as the time to leave approached but pushed on, only to become incredibly nauseous on the way there in the car with Carolyn, that I had to turn back and come home.  I'll never forget Carolyn who despite saying "well I think we were almost there!" turned back with me and then got into her car and drove there again.  She has never mentioned it again, or held it against me.  Good friend.  At the time, the thought of feeling so sick and to be stuck in a room with a group of strangers unable to leave without attracting lots of attention was a revolting thought.  So you can see why the ecstatic dance was a similar challenge for me.

Why am I telling you all this?

The reason I am writing this, and this entire blog is because I didn't think it was weird at the time, you hear a lot of people 'losing their confidence' after having children or from growing older.  I think there may be a lot of people out there who can relate to these very present yet too sketchy to be taken seriously symptoms.  The Dr can only put you on anti depressants and you know it isn't that.  Whilst at the time, even going on a swing made me feel all sick and dizzy I couldn't help wonder what had happened to the 27 year old me who went travelling around the world fearlessly.  Where had she gone? I haven't been on a plane for eight years and the thought of flying, being stuck with lots of people and smells and I can't get off has been a prominent problematic fear for the whole time.  Fears are like a practice in themselves, you re think the situation and re confirm your fear and before you know it, the fear of flying on a plane has grown and spread out to include any group situation and strange place.

So, back to the story, so you know how I started eating primal to cure the nausea and then that went and a few other things mysteriously healed themselves too?  Well my confidence is back and so is my curiosity, it's been a lovely thing, having that come back.  A while ago when I thought my nausea was all in my head I read a book my Auntie Lynne told me about called 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway', what a great book it's a classic, if you haven't read it, give it a go. The book basically taught me that EVERYONE has fears and the only way to overcome them is to, you guessed it, feel the fear and do it anyway. Often being squashed down by a fear is much much worse than confronting the fear itself.  Once the fear is confronted, and it's often not as scary as you thought, you stand way much taller and lighter, not having the burden of the fear anymore. I heard a tale about a King who received the gift of two beautiful birds.  One of the birds would fly graciously around the castle courtyard all day and delight the King, the other bird just remained on it's perch.  The King wondered about the bird who couldn't fly and called for all types of healers to come and help the bird to fly, none succeeded.  Until one day a lowly farmer came and told the King he could make the bird fly.  Later that day to the King's delight the bird was soaring graciously in the air.  He called for the Farmer and asked him "how did you make this bird fly?".  "Well that's simple your Royal Highness," the Farmer replied "I cut the branch the bird was sitting on".

So I have taken a few baby steps towards my flying fear: I hosted a primal group chat at my house where I invited anyone to come and chat primal with me on my deck, that was amazing, I am doing that again on March 10th if you want to come?  I started contemporary dance classes, now that I am not all consumed with attending the gym every morning I have more spare time to try these things, dance is amazing, I love it.  As much as starting the dance class sounds scary - dancing around in front of a mirror with amazing women, it is choreographed and you are told what to do.  Escatic dance is free form!!  WTF!  I only have two moves, a side to side shuffle and a little fish big fish cardboard box!

Will I or won't I?

So on Saturday I umed and ahed.  I made a million excuses in my head why I didn't want to go: it's been a busy day, we had a party last night, Milly needs me here etc etc to the point where I decided ok maybe next time.  I settled into the usual routine of making dinner.  My yoga sister Helena who has an amazing business called Dreambirth check her out here asked me on Facebook if I was going and I said 'tonight is not my night' and she said 'if you go tonight WILL be your night'.  Oh damn that woman for being so inspiring and supportive! So just as I got an excited rush of 'oh maybe I will?' I tuned into playschool which is normally just a background noise and I heard:

' dance dance dance all together, dancing is the thing to do'

 

 

 I walked out to Mike and Sam playing cricket and announced "I'm going!"

So how was it?

It wasn't as nerve wracking as expected!  The initial entering of the room left me a bit dry mouthed, but Theva explained to us all what to expect and led us through a gentle warm up of moving our bodies and then guided us into the dance.  Usually when you are out dancing it's social so you are forever making faces, having a swig of your drink or shouting over the loud music.  Ecstatic dance is a drug free, alcohol free space where you don't talk, the sign on the door said "Dance Now, Talk Later".  So there is no eye contact so you can just relax as you would if alone not having to make an effort.  When I did that something weird happened, the dance came through me, I had all these moves, who knew.  My body moved in many different ways, I didn't get tired or bored, it was a relaxing, uplifting and truly ecstatic experience.

You know how amazing it is that you can get pregnant and grow a baby without really doing anything (ok well apart from THAT part gutterbrain) or how you feel when you look up at the stars, or watch a sunset, or how you feel when you get that wave of love for your man or your children, or when you've had such a good laugh that you cry, or how that baby you grew managed to make it's way out of your amazing body, or how the  flowers burst forward again in the spring, or when you truly marvel at the rhythms of the earth, the seasons, night and day, that connection you experience through massage or yoga or mediation or intimacy, how swimming in the ocean feels. Ecstatic dance felt like all of these things. That feeling that there is something greater than you guiding you, that you are connected to everyone and everything around you, within and without.  It's that reassuring, comforting space, that even though you think you have this thing, someone else is actually at the helm, the true you, your essence.

So it's Monday morning as I write this post, and I am still high as a kite for ticking this off my fear bucket list but also for everything else the experience gave me.  I'll leave you with this quote from Pat who facilitates the dance...